Faith, Family, Fishing; Navigating Everyday life
Is your family hurting, broken, or just looking to become closer and stronger? Josh and Debbie are in the business of just that. Working through issues regarding the family from perspectives such as; Pastor, Counselor, Teachers, law enforcement, and parents themselves, Josh and Debbie bring a wealth of information about the family, as well as, real life solutions to problems. If you are a Gen X'er with adult children, a millennial with teenagers, a Gen Z just starting, or something else, we have a show for you. Come take a listen, our aim is to restore the family!
Faith, Family, Fishing; Navigating Everyday life
No one loves your child.......(like you do)
The episode dives into the essential dynamics of parenting, emphasizing that while no one loves a child quite like their parent, understanding boundaries and discipline is vital for raising well-adjusted individuals. The discussion encompasses establishing clear expectations for behavior, ensuring consequences align with standards, and the importance of parental unity to create a strong foundation for children's emotional and social development.
• Exploring the primary goals of parenting
• The need to manage expectations around children's behavior
• Importance of discipline in parenting strategies
• Understanding where parenting standards derive from
• Establishing clear rules and consequences for infractions
• The impact of childhood trauma on parental approaches
• The necessity of consensus between parents
• Preparing children for real-world challenges
• Closing thoughts on ensuring long-term success for children
Hello and welcome to another episode of Faith, Family and Fishing. We got a good one today. You probably read the title.
Speaker 3:Okay, but the title is no one loves your kid like you do no, no, no.
Speaker 1:You gotta say it like this no one loves your kid no one loves your kid like you do like you do, it's true. So. So we're gonna get into this um and and there's a lot that deals with this right, but let me start by asking this what?
Speaker 3:is your primary goal as a parent.
Speaker 1:My primary goal, what's your primary goal as a parent? To not raise jerks, to not raise jerks.
Speaker 3:okay, that might sound bad, but that's what I tell the kids.
Speaker 1:I don't want you to grow up and be little buttholes. Well, I understand you don't want that, but what, what, what?
Speaker 3:would you say, is the primary goal of parents. I I want them to be well-functioning human beings who love jesus, love their families, love other people, serve, give, do things and not be jerks okay, so your goals are all based on the like, pretty much on performance.
Speaker 1:I would say what that was terrible. I would say that mr. Performance based okay yeah, it is something I struggle with, but I go. I would say that the primary purpose of parenting man, that's a lot of pops primary purpose of parenting.
Speaker 1:I would say that the primary, the primary purpose of parenting is this peter piper picked a pickle to raise adults who can function in society that's what I said okay, maybe yours is just more wordy, like, but, but what I'm saying is like to me that that's the primary purpose of a parent right, is to raise adults that can function in society, right. That being said, I think there's a lot that goes into this and and really what I want to focus on right in this podcast is is understanding, like your purpose, as that you know, as raising adults that can function in society is to get is to understand that not everyone is going to love your child Right, especially the way that you love your child Right. Like to us, our children are our world. Right, like we immense love they are of who we are right, literally and figuratively.
Speaker 1:I don't expect anyone else to care for them take care of them the way that I do, like. I don't expect anyone else to bend over backwards for them. I don't expect anyone else to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't expect anyone else to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 3:I don't expect anyone else, to have grace and mercy with them, to treat them the way that.
Speaker 1:I would treat anything of that nature and I think some of us we see our children a certain way and we expect everyone else to, and I don't think that that is not fair. I don't think that's a fair expectation.
Speaker 3:I don't think that's fair to society and it's not fair to your kid for them to think that.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'm glad you hit that, because how is it not fair to your kid?
Speaker 3:Because the expectation that you're setting is that what you do in your home and how you are with them in your home, everybody is going to do the same thing, and then they go out into society, they go to school. Everybody is going to do the same thing, and then they go out into society, they go to school, they go to a grocery store and they're doing something and everyone else is going. What in the name of Jesus is happening here? And you're like that's just my baby.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's where I think you hit it right. One, stop making excuses for your kid, like have a standard. And two, when they fail to meet that standard, check on it.
Speaker 3:Well, there should be a discipline right um to meet that standard and I think, as we, as I read through, like you know, when we were talking about different podcast ideas and you sent this one over, I I just remember thinking to myself. You know, scripture says God disciplines those who he loves. And then, when a parent is putting their child out there as flawless and perfect, um, you're setting them up for failure because the devil wants you to not discipline your child. I believe the devil wants you to look at your child like they're perfect, because then you won't correct them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And then later on in life he's going to snatch them up, spit them. You know, chew them up and spit them out.
Speaker 1:Well, not even the devil, just society in general.
Speaker 3:When I say the devil, I mean like through things like that, like through situations in their marriage with their kids.
Speaker 1:And that's really what I want to focus on in this podcast, like it's not a bashing podcast. I go. I want you to focus. If your goal is to raise fully functioning adults that can live within society, you have to discipline your children, you have to have a standard for your children and I think this is honestly the biggest thing is where.
Speaker 3:Where are you getting?
Speaker 1:your standard from right. Right, I agree. Like that, I think, because most people's standard comes from this right.
Speaker 3:We look back to our childhood you literally just took it out of my brain and we go.
Speaker 1:I like this, I like that, like this, I like that.
Speaker 3:I didn't like that I didn't like this.
Speaker 1:I didn't like that. Like like I've met a lot of parents who won't discipline their children. A certain way Because their parents went over, yeah, a certain way.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Because their parents went overboard.
Speaker 3:Right. So instead of going hey, I understand, there are things I was disciplined for that I may not discipline my children the same, or children the same way my parents did, but I still discipline them for that thing. Um, I'm not going to throw the baby out with bath water, because their goal. They had the right idea. I just didn't care for, maybe, how they did it um, well, it's.
Speaker 3:We overcorrect so much in society, and we've talked to plenty of parents that were like, well, when I was younger this happened, so I'm never gonna make my kids deal with that. And it's like you are literally the main cause of your children having a struggle in life yes, I was gonna say their downfall, like you as a parent going mm-mm, I'm carrying my own childhood trauma, or this triggered me or whatever.
Speaker 3:I know that that's your favorite word I'm carrying all this stuff. So instead of going, hey, whatever like that's life Things happen I'm going to move forward and just raise the best kids I possibly can. You're going, I'm going to carry all these wounds and then I'm going to carry them into my parenting and you're hurting your kids. I can tell you firsthand you are hurting your kids.
Speaker 1:And that is really the main thrust, right there, right, you've got to stop taking your trauma and projecting it onto your kids. Okay, so just take spanking, for example right right. Um, I know people can be very split on spanking. Should you spank your children or not? All right, and I know, for the most part, the christian response.
Speaker 1:You know spare the rod, spoil the job but that's going away in the church too, because I mean I I, I hear that, but but again one, there's nothing wrong with that, and what that proverb is trying to get you to understand is more so you have to do something.
Speaker 3:You can't stand idly by while your child is going wayward and going which again.
Speaker 1:so step one. If you're that kind of person, step one would be very clear when are you getting your standard from Right? What is the standard in your household and where are you getting that?
Speaker 3:Right, have you set no expectations? Because if your kids are just wallowing out all over the place and they're not even concerned that you're going to know, then you have no standard. Right, your standard is your kid's feeling, actually, if you're not, but I see where you were going. I cut you off. I'm sorry, do you? I do? Yeah, no, keep going, I apologize.
Speaker 1:So if we're a Christian, okay, the standard is perfection, right, right. Okay, the standard is perfection, right, right, like the standard is perfection. I'm not saying we have to be perfect. That is what sin is right. Sin is hamarita in the greek, it literally means missing the mark. Well, the mark was perfection. You have missed that mark. You have now committed a sin and the wages of sin is death.
Speaker 1:Right, Right. And, and that is the story of the gospel because we have sinned, we deserve to die. Right, Jesus came, lived a perfect life, born of a virgin. Um never sinned once and therefore could take our position in death. Right Uh dies. On the cross is buried. All the wrath of God was poured out on that right rose again on the third day and and now can give new life because of that resurrection. So if we're looking at that and going, that is the standard. Should the standard in our houses be perfection?
Speaker 1:no right obviously not you know, obviously it shouldn't be perfection, because I hate and I know, um, people used to get highly upset with me. Highly upset because I would use the illustration so much that your child, especially Mo, like in Citigroup, is wicked and black-hearted and wretched. And it's this, you know, year old child and everyone again we have that tendency right not that baby.
Speaker 1:Right, we have that tendency to look at especially babies, puppies, things of that nature, and they can play on those emotions because they look so sweet and innocent. One we have to understand your child, and this is a different podcast, but your child is not sweet and innocent. Number two we have to have a standard, okay for some.
Speaker 3:So so number you need to dig in a little bit more.
Speaker 1:So so where you get your standard from matters. Right. For most people, your standard is pretty much like what you were raised with Right. Right. You were sitting here and going. Well, when I was growing up, we weren't allowed to whatever, like we weren't allowed to ride our bikes on Lake Boulevard. Okay, to ride our bikes on Lake Boulevard, that was a rule in our house because it was a big road it was, you know cars would fly down it.
Speaker 1:It was a cut through road in the neighborhood, so you know they didn't have so so it was. You're not allowed to ride down there. But but bigger picture, here is where you get your standard from matters. As a Christian, your standard should come from scripture. So one of the illustrations I give a lot in sermons is this like we all say, we follow Jesus, all right, but most of us were taught you better never start a fight but finish it, but you better finish the fight. Scripture teaches the opposite of that, though. Right Likeesus is sitting here getting punched in the face and mocked and spit on by the roman soldiers right before his crucifixion. He doesn't punch back, nope, he doesn't hit back. You know what jesus could have done with a headbutt like, especially with the crown of thorns on?
Speaker 1:right like I, go and, and, and. So what we see in jesus is different than what most of us are teaching our children and I think what happens is because that's people can see that it's kind of sticky.
Speaker 3:They're sitting here going. You're just sitting here going, let my child get beat to death. I don't believe that. I think I mean you should get away and defend yourself if you need to, but I don't think your first response should be to attack.
Speaker 1:I agree, but but again, the the point isn't should you defend or should, because no, but I think people get lost and that's where they because I go. That's where they start going.
Speaker 3:They're like oh, you're just. I've had that conversation with people and I understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I understand that. But I mean there are other points in scripture you know I could pull out where where god is like, hey, destroy this entire right. You know lineage of people, right? That that's not my point. My point is, is some of us, when step one is we have to have a standard, where does that standard come from? It should come from scripture okay, our standards should be in scripture if, yeah, if we're calling ourselves christians, yes um, and and even if you're not a Christian.
Speaker 3:You got to get it from somewhere and you've listened this long.
Speaker 1:You still have to have some kind of a standard, Even if you want to sit down and write out, right, and that's a big thing in education, right? You know, during that first week of class as a class, you sit down and go hey, here's the class rules.
Speaker 3:We actually just redid our class rules on friday in my class.
Speaker 1:You know, because if you do it together you know the kids have more likely to cling. They have more ownership in it, right? So step one is you need to have a standard. Step two is you need to have clear directives right for when that standard is not met if, then when, then right you know, and and okay, so here is our standard.
Speaker 1:Um, and then for an infraction to this standard, okay, like we talked about just a little bit ago, the wages of sin is death. There isn't, there's a, a discipline. There is a result, a consequence of not hitting this standard right now obviously your standard, should your, your consequence should never be death in your household, right, like, like.
Speaker 1:It shouldn't be like hey, you know, you didn't take the trash out, you deserve off with your head right um off with the head, but on the same hand, there should be very clear-cut um consequences for not hitting that standard I remember when JT was in school and the teacher would say, when he was learning sight words.
Speaker 3:No, not that, that's a whole different story. And the teacher would say do I need to call your dad? Yeah, and he would tremble and go no, no, I'm sorry, please don't call my dad, because he already knew in advance. If I'm doing something I'm not supposed to and I don't listen to the teacher and they call my dad, I'm going to get spanked when I get home. Right, there wasn't a.
Speaker 1:Or you're going to lose privileges, something At the very least Something.
Speaker 3:I'm talking about, like the disrespect, the constant disrespect to the teacher Right, least something I'm talking about, like the disrespect the constant disrespect to the teacher right where these days you can talk to a kid and go.
Speaker 1:I'm going to call your parent and they go okay, right, which that's a whole other episode. But again, you have to have a standard, you have to have clear expectations, um for consequences if you do not meet that standard because, essentially, you're hurting your children.
Speaker 3:It's, it's.
Speaker 1:And number three.
Speaker 3:Oh sorry, number three.
Speaker 1:Yeah, number three is you need to follow through with those consequences. All right If you and and this is where, and honestly, as parents, you need to understand like, don't shoot the moon right out the gate. I used to do that Because if you start up here, yeah, there's nothing, there's nowhere for you to escalate to Right, right. So so if this is World War III and it doesn't work, or your kid pulls your bluff.
Speaker 3:You have nowhere to go and they'll call They'll. They will. They'll call your bluff.
Speaker 1:You have nowhere else to go. Now you have to backtrack and you like a liar right and like you, you can't. So so I go. You know, yeah, your infractions, you know your discipline.
Speaker 1:It needs to start a little bit lower and and so you have room to escalate up, right, you know, and, and and follow through with that, okay, like when your kid comes home, you know, and, and, maybe like it's hey, you know, I got an email from the teacher, you know, or something of that nature. Maybe it is just you know, hey, you lost, you know, electronics for today.
Speaker 3:A conversation and you lost the tongs for today.
Speaker 1:Or maybe it is. Yeah, you know, maybe it is just that conversation. You know, Because we have a child, that sometimes you have a conversation and they're trembling and like they'll move on from there. But see, and that's the other thing, right, you know, know your children. Right, because I'll tell you, right now I have a child that, like, spankings are very ineffective for um, you could sit there and and just spank all day long and it would never be an issue.
Speaker 1:However, if you go, well, that's very disappointing and walk away. It wrecks them. Oh yeah, you know. So I was the child again. You could, my dad could have spanked me all day and it wouldn't have bothered me like I could deal with physical, you know pain like that, not saying I enjoyed it, but like it wouldn't it wouldn't have the same effect.
Speaker 3:You were like, okay, let's just hurry up and move on Right.
Speaker 1:But you told me to sit at the table like and not get up, not move, not go play, like that's a big thing, you know, and again I go. So number one is have a standard. Number two have clear consequences for infractions of that standard. Number three is follow through with those. If you go to your child and go, hey, you got in trouble. And now you know you didn't listen. Whatever the case may be, you got in trouble. I'm taking your phone away for a month.
Speaker 3:And then they have it four days later, right.
Speaker 1:Three days later, four days later, four days later, they have their phone back they've literally like you are a joke now you're a punk to them, and they know I don't need to worry about this because they're gonna talk a big game but they're not gonna back it up and understand as a parent, like when you get to a point where you're taking away electronics and stuff like that. You know that has an effect for you too. Right, like one of the hardest things for me, like uh, years ago, was you know we had to. You don't even know what I'm about to say.
Speaker 1:I do know what you're gonna say you know the kids had to have their rooms clean every monday, and, and you know it became hard for me because then that means as a parent every monday.
Speaker 3:You have to go check that I knew what you were going to say.
Speaker 1:And I go.
Speaker 3:Because even if you're tired, you still have to go Right. Well, I said I was going to do this. So one time Josh had told one of our kids, if this, then I'm going to break your phone. And you know, never in a million years did I ever think one my kid would do what they did to that Josh would really break a phone. He literally took the phone, put it on the table, took a hammer as I gasp and crushed it into little pieces. And I thought to myself we bought that phone. But after he was done he said well, I told him I was going to do it, so you?
Speaker 1:got to do it. I can't lie to him. To him right and I went and that's where, as a parent, it takes work on your part to sit down, you know, and hopefully map out with your spouse and go hey, like we need to sit down and get a hold of this before we can really even enact this within our family.
Speaker 3:Because your children, as sweet and as much as you love them, are going to play you and your spouse against each other if they can. And I know, like for our kids there are times they've been like do you have to tell daddy, you've already dealt with it, do you have to tell him? And I said I tell him. Yes, I mean I've dealt with it and daddy will know that've dealt with it. And daddy will know that I dealt with it. He may have something to say later, but the discipline's already been done. But yes, I am going to tell daddy because I don't keep anything from him like that and they really, really like in the hopes of going but mommy, I won't do it again. Please, please, please, nope. I'm going to tell daddy because we're going to be on the same page across the board with everything.
Speaker 1:Absolutely A hundred percent, and that's what I mean. It may take us sitting down and going hey, you know what let's write out here are. Here is our standards, here are infractions for these standards, because me and you have to be on the same page, right, see? And that's that. That would be number four for me, right? Be on the same page, see, and that would be number four for me, right, mm-hmm? Be on the same page, right, because, again, don't allow your children the opportunity to play you against each other.
Speaker 3:Because I will tell you, being in education as long as we've been in education, I mean there are times you talk to kids and they're like my mom's not gonna do anything, she's like shit. I'm gonna tell my dad.
Speaker 1:you talk to kids and they're like my mom's not doing anything, she said shit, I'm gonna tell my dad, or I mean, let's be honest, our kids, yeah, you know, they teachers could have told jt like you worked at the school. I'm gonna go tell your mom and and you know, maybe he would straighten up, maybe he wouldn't, but and and we told every teacher, like when we met with you know for parent teacher conference or meet the teacher or whatever.
Speaker 3:Whatever, you know, if you really want to see a change, go, I'm gonna call your dad and it's funny because, being an education I'm, I go out of my way to involve dads and I do. I see such a huge difference if I reach out to a dad and because the kids are like and again my mom future, future podcast.
Speaker 1:We can go through the difference between mom and dad, right, um, but regardless, because I've seen it the other side too, right. I've seen really soft dads and really.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's true, yeah, not very often, but yeah or especially like when well, yeah, I was gonna say especially when it comes to girls, but it doesn't really matter, um, but but I have seen it the other way. Right and I go. So, number one have a standard. Number two have clear expectations for infractions of those standards. Number three follow through with those infractions. And number four be on the same page, be a team. Okay, this takes work and, unfortunately, I think that's where the problem comes in. Right, this takes work. But here's the deal Understand your child. Eventually, if you are raising them to be, um, upstanding citizens in society, your child eventually is going to have a teacher. Right, they're going to go to school right right right, they're going to have eventually um a boss.
Speaker 1:You know, eventually they're gonna have a job right understand their boss does not look at them. They're just an employee right to them. That's all they are like. They're not.
Speaker 1:They don't have that emotional attachment right that you do and and I go and I get that eventually they're gonna have a spouse of their own one day, maybe, right, and and that's a totally different type of emotional connection, right, but no one, no one, no one, regardless of all. They're gonna have friends, they're gonna have coaches, you know all of those different things, understand, though no one looks at them the way you do, right, and if you and that's okay if you were sitting here going, hey, you can just do whatever, whenever, however, with whoever understand, you are hurting them in the long run, right you?
Speaker 1:you really and truly are, because, right, eventually, that teacher is gonna have rules, right, right. And then what's going to happen? Literally, we've had parents that were like, hey, stop calling me, you deal with it.
Speaker 3:Literally.
Speaker 1:And I go. I can't because I don't have the tools in my toolbox as a teacher. That you do as a parent, right, but they're going to have a teacher that has rules, who doesn't look at your child like the center of their universe because they're not, because they have 30 other children in that classroom.
Speaker 3:We don't, but yes.
Speaker 1:But eventually. Yeah, I know, I mean it happens, right, right, eventually they're going to be at a job and that boss is not going to look at them the way that you look at them when I talk, because they have 300 other employees when I talk to other moms, I always think, especially if they're moms of boys I go, you're gonna have a daughter-in-law one day, and god forbid that daughter-in-law.
Speaker 3:Look at you and go are you kidding me? Like? This is what you did, right, like um, but think about it.
Speaker 1:Why do we got 30 year olds living in basements playing video games Like? Why do we got 35 year olds? Why is failure to launch a thing?
Speaker 3:That's how you raised them and make no mistake, like as a mom I would absolutely love. I love babying my kids. I love doing stuff for them. You always said I always made them too comfortable. You did With their little blankies?
Speaker 1:Way too comfortable. And look at him now. I got a 17-year-old who always has to have a blankie.
Speaker 3:He does always have a blankie.
Speaker 1:But he can also function. Yes, he can, he can no.
Speaker 3:I can send him out and go hey, go, do this, this, this and this. But again the big thing is he can know he's at home and safe. And, and the big thing is, he can know he's at home and safe and he can know at home, mommy's going to do these things.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:But he also knows when you have to go do like go handle stuff. You need to go handle stuff Like. He knows that.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:But and like I was saying, like we have always, looked at this and went no one loves you the way that I do and you're going to go one day. Yeah, and as much as that may pain me, I think I think a lot of times as parents we take our personal feelings and then we project them on our kids, not just from like our childhood and stuff, but like, oh, that's my baby, that is your baby, that is going to go. Like the whole goal is for them to go and then they can come back and visit.
Speaker 3:Become productive members of society is for them to go, and then?
Speaker 3:they can come back and visit members of society, and they come back and visit right with their spouse, their kids, whatever the case might be, um, and then they go back out to their home like not be a 30, 35 year old right in a basement playing video games, because you never told them no or you thought everything they did was cute, or they were 15, 16, 17, with five-year-old behavior and you were like it's okay, buddy, or you didn't want to again have your children relive the trauma of your childhood you don't want them to not like you hey, look, I get it.
Speaker 1:You know your, your mom, your dad, they may have went overboard with discipline, sure, okay, you may have genuinely been abused you may have scars. Those things happened right, and I'm not saying that that was correct and that's what you should do, um but on the same hand right you got to do something, because a child will always push you as far as they can push you. Always I think about, but think about it any person will always push you as far as they can push you In relationships, marriage, yeah.
Speaker 1:They will push you until you go. Uh-uh, that's it. Here is.
Speaker 3:Here's the line.
Speaker 1:And that's what I'm saying the more clear you can make your standards, the more specific you can make your standards, the more clear.
Speaker 3:Specific direct instruction.
Speaker 1:The more clear you can go hey, here is the consequence for infractions, right the more you can do all of that.
Speaker 3:And I think, if you start from a place of I love my child enough to correct them all of this. It should all be based in love, but I don't think it always is it's sometimes it's based on um fear.
Speaker 1:It's based uh based on like anxiety, but that's why, if you really go back and you can go back and pay attention and listen, we didn't use the word punish.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 3:Because discipline is done out of love to correct Right, punish is done out of anger to hurt, Right, you should never ever ever, if you're angry and you're like I'm going to wring their neck you better calm down, calm down even you might even have to go. It's gonna take a couple hours, yeah, and tell your kid we're gonna come back to this after I have calmed down. We've had those conversations with the kids. I'm not. I can't deal with this right now because I'm angry, yeah, so I need to step back for a second and I shouldn't react out of that right.
Speaker 3:And then I mean I, I've always respected your goal your goal should never be to hurt, right, right ever. You're like when the kid's running out in the middle of the road. You didn't grab them and spank their bottom to hurt them. It was, hey, quick, a quick, swift correction to go. Hey, that's gonna hurt you more and we can.
Speaker 1:We can do. If you guys want to hear a episode on spanking, I can do a whole episode on spanking. All right, because the goal of spanking is never again to hurt the child. It's not the physical aspect of it right the goal is to get their attention quickly right.
Speaker 3:That's the goal if you're sitting there just beating on them, you have a problem.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's something wrong with you you need to go to jail right honestly, and I think we're way too lenient with with child oh yeah you know abuse and all and all of that. The bible is much harder on you know. Jesus literally says if you hurt a child, it would be better for you to tie a millstone around your neck and throw yourself in the sea and it was funny because we went to the bible museum and I saw what a millstone was.
Speaker 3:For whatever reason, I just thought a millstone was and then I saw it.
Speaker 1:I went yeah, no, that's what he was used to crush grain. Yeah, yeah I was like okay yeah, throw an anchor on yourself, throw yourself in the sea, like so please don't misunderstand anything I'm saying about like as far as stuff like that goes. But the biggest things are is to realize the reason you discipline is because not everyone is going to love your child the way you do.
Speaker 3:Right and you want them to have a life that they're thriving and they're doing well and they can look back and be like ah, thank God, my mom and dad didn't let me get away with this or that.
Speaker 1:Right, but as a parent, you will put up with stuff. Yeah. Because it's your kid.
Speaker 3:Right, that other people will not put up with. And we tell our kids, like to their faces, no one else is going to deal with this. Like this is not okay. Right, I mean through tears and all they've made.
Speaker 1:So so I'm just going to like, real quick, you know, get this. I want to put this back out right Step one. Have clear standards out right step one. Have clear standards where your standards come from matter. Set rules, set boundaries and be clear about them. All right, don't be ambiguous with oh, never get in trouble. Well, I mean, there's obviously a difference between you, know I? I got an email from your parent, you got suspended right from school.
Speaker 1:Right number two have clear um consequences for violations of those standards. Right, you know, sit here and again. There is a difference between you, know, you chewing gum in class. Well, I'm trying to give examples other than just in school, right? Oh, we just see so much of it in school, right, but I'm you to give examples other than just in school right, oh, we just see so much of it in school right, but I'm.
Speaker 3:You know there's a difference between you, know you rode your bike three streets over, when you were only supposed to say two streets over right and you left the city right you know so.
Speaker 1:so, number one have a standard. Number two have clear consequences for infractions of those standards. Number three um, again, make sure that you follow through on those infractions. Okay, If they're grounded for a week, they are grounded for a week. If, if, if electronics are gone for a month, they need to be gone for a month. And it might inconvenience you, but it will probably inconvenience you, yeah, but you have to because what you're doing understand.
Speaker 1:You're always teaching as a parent it's like cognitive behavior therapy without even realizing, you're always you're always teaching as a parent, and if, if, if you're sitting here going, hey, you lost this for a month, and then they're getting it back after three or four days, you are still teaching. What you're teaching, though, is that consequences don't matter, right? So when they are older and they are out on their own and they come up against, they broke the law, they got arrested, they got, you know, they got. They were late to their job, and their boss was like hey, if you're late again, you know we're gonna fire you right and they're late again, and then they're late again, because consequences don't matter, because mom and dad used to tell me all the time like right.
Speaker 3:My parents didn't stick to it. Right and they love me.
Speaker 1:Right. So now they're late again and now your kids live in in a box on the side of the road because you taught them that consequences don't matter and that's going to hurt much more than a correction right now. Right, a little correction right now, and that's something my dad used to always tell me, right, little little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Right, you know, a little correction here is going to save them, a big correction later. Right.
Speaker 1:So we set the standard, we have clear consequences, we stand by it and we work together. Right, right.
Speaker 3:Be on the same page, on the same page, even, even and I do go back to school, but even like working with your kid's teacher be on the same page. You know I can partner with them I can talk to a kid and go. Well, I talked to your mom and she already told me that blah, blah, blah. And there I'm telling you, the kids are like you. Talked to my mom.
Speaker 1:Yes, partner with them? Yes, absolutely I'll tell you right now, as a teacher, I would much rather us partner together. Yes. Because I see things that you don't see, right, because I'm with your kid literally all day, every day, right? You know, and let's be honest, my kids act different when they're not in front of me.
Speaker 3:And I'm grateful for the teachers that were like hey, just to let you know I saw this and this and, or came to me and worked with me. Like it made life so much easier.
Speaker 1:Right, and if everybody's goal is the betterment of the child, yeah, guess what?
Speaker 3:Stop getting so butthurt when you're. When somebody says something about your kid, right Go is what they're saying, true.
Speaker 1:No. Yes. What I'm saying is no, I was gonna go overboard with it because I it's just one of my pet peeves, right? Um, and it's a different episode, but like, understand your child wouldn't do that. Understand your child is not perfect, right they're?
Speaker 3:not. I think it as a parent, it helps me love them better when I go. Yeah, and that's why I stopped myself, because you're right.
Speaker 1:Um, it's just one of my, one of my, you know gotcha. So, other than that, like I think that that should end this episode yeah, I think it was good all right, so until next episode. We love you. We thank you. We can't do this without you share. Please help us out and share, like that's the biggest thing you can do. You can always follow us on social media, just look up.
Speaker 3:Mission sent, just mission sent on Facebook, and then it's mission sent on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I don't get on social media yeah.
Speaker 3:It's easy, it's really easy.
Speaker 1:There's another episode, right.
Speaker 3:That's a whole other episode.